I’m Starting Over. I’m Finally Happy.

I’ve decided to finally leave the Engineering career path, and I can’t believe it’s taken me almost a full year to decide I want to leave. I wish I had a nice little check sheet of why I was leaving, but sadly, I don’t. It’s more or less a culmination of experiences, and things that I’ve realized I just don’t want to do for the rest of forever.

 

StartingOver

 

I fell in love with studying a language, and in turn I found  that I loved studying a culture through it’s language.
I’ve decided this is what I want to do, I want to continue to study languages.
I want to teach a language someone, whether through private tutoring, or in a classroom setting. And, I want to work with translations and the history and culture that comes with it.  These are important things.

I realized how much I hated reading, writing, and analyzing technical papers.
If my paper and project with the Phoenix House taught me nothing else, I truly came to hate myself while writing this paper. I just couldn’t find the right words. It would take me hours to write a page or two.
I’d much rather write my thoughts and opinions onto paper than a regurgitation of how something works. This does not mean I’m not interested in how things work, or are put together, it just means I don’t want to write on – or read – these things for the rest of my life. 

I love, absolutely love, reading for pleasure. Engineering, sadly, with it’s exhausting course load, took that away from me. It took away the joy of reading a novel, just to read a novel. I was forced to read textbook, after textbook, after textbook and it stripped the love out of reading.
Granted, I’m falling back in love with reading, it’s just taking extra time.

I was so stressed out, all the time, over the most minuscule of things. I was always, always, alllllways stressed out. An exam there, a test there (yes, they’re different!) a quiz here, a group project there… I never had any time for the peace and silence I so desire.  One might not believe it, but I do need silence sometimes.
Although, my silence isn’t compliant with others ideals as it’s more of a let’s make as much noise as possible and block out the world.

I lost myself in becoming what Engineering School expected me to be. I wasn’t comfortable being ‘me’ anymore. It’s quite hard to explain in short order, but I will. The fun-loving, talkative, bouncy Caitlyn that everyone knew outside of school and through my first few years was lost in the rigid attitude of Engineering. I think this is part of the reason so few women stay in engineering. We’re expected to conform to this exceptionally rigid box, and I don’t fit in a box, and I don’t plan to.

I can finally breath easy.

I can finally relax.

I can finally, be me.

I needed this change, I needed the adjustment… and I like my new Humanities family.

 

Will I be able to pay off my school debt as fast as I could have if I finished my Engineering degree? No, probably not.

Will I be as wealthy in my next twenty years? No, probably not.

 

Meh

 

Will I get to do what I so truly want to do? Yes. Yes, I will.

happyguard

Will I be happy? Yes. Yes, I will.

chuckleduck

 

Granted I can’t complain too much, as it taught me a lot of things – but in reality they are things I didn’t really ever need to know, or now, want to know. While I learned everything I possibly could, I didn’t want to apply it to anything. I hated my co-op’s, but loved the money – and that’s absolutely no way to live. 

 

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